I Slapped Kim Kardashian

… In my dreams. Twice.

My dreams are normally not dramatic. Nothing exciting happens. Mostly, I don’t even remember them, which is a testament to how uninteresting they can be. But the past few weeks have been filled with strange dreams in which I slap celebrities, one in particular to be exact.

It started a week ago when, after a guilty-pleasure watching of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, I dreamed I was interviewing Kim Kardashian. After the conversation was over, it all came out like word vomit. I couldn’t stop insulting her for all her doings. Never in my life had I gotten so exasperated confronting someone. I still can’t decide if it was a dream or a nightmare.

Last night, it happened again. After seeing her butt, tits and vagina splashed across the Internet for more than 24 hours, I dreamed with her again. This time we were in a clothing store. She arrived without me even noticing. While looking at herself in the mirror, her coat hit me. I said: “Excuse me, you just hit me with your coat”, to which she didn’t even respond infuriating me once again. This time I slapped Kim Kardashian, twice.

All day I’ve been trying to figure out why would I want to slap and insult someone I don’t even know. Even if we all feel like we know her life, feelings and personality, how did I allow myself to feel hatred for someone who hadn’t done anything to me, or had she?

That’s the thing. Kim Kardashian has never hurt our feelings. We’ve never had dinner or partied with her. She’s never insulted or bitched at us. We’ve never met or had a conversation with her. Still, she has allowed us inside her world of glamorous jet planes, Florence weddings and Givenchy gowns.

The Kardashian family have been called “The Egos That Ate America” by Rolling Stone. “But there are

hardly any ex-fans of the Kardashians, because all they ever promised is what they keep delivering: a journey into the American ego at its most luridly monstrous, with lots of shopping.”, the article notes.

It’s true. Kim Kardashian has always promised what we’ve gotten. She swore she would give us sex when she filmed an adult tape with Ray J, posed for Playboy (while worried that was all people were going to know about her) and now showed us her entire Photoshopped derriere. In an 8th grade graduation video recently released, she prophesied that she would be rich and famous and she has. She dropped a hint she would be making a selfie book when, on her way to take her sister Khloe to jail, she took selfies.

Kim Kardashian has become an ultra celebrity famous for being famous, married to a millionaire rapper, sold clothes, wrote a book and shown her bare ass without flinching. Unapologetically, she has drawn us into her world without us being able to escape. She’s become the antagonist we all love to hate, but secretly admire.

This woman has understood the mass media world enough to continue giving us what we want: sex, scandal, money and glamour. If we didn’t she wouldn’t make millions out of portraying her life on TV, while we sit on the couch in perpetual laziness. Maybe that’s why I slapped her. Who knows?


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